We arent born knowing how to talk. Nor are we born knowing how to make ... Its not a science, where we can memorize rules. Its an art, where we must intuit the rules. One good way to lear
We arent born knowing how to talk. Nor are we born knowing how to make conversation. Its not a science, where we can memorize rules. Its an art, where we must intuit the rules.
One good way to learn to become a good conversationalist is to study someone who is. Another is to work with a coach.
Its a combination of being present and engaged; having the non-verbals under control; being truly interested in the other people and curious about them; taking responsibility for holding up your end (Dont sit there like a bump on a log, my Dad used to say, and a consummate conversationalist he was!); and having an interesting life yourself! After all, good conversation requires that you talk about something.
Here are some tips for the conversationally-challenged. Work with a coach if you want to become proficient.
1. You can never lose by being a good listener.
Most people would rather talk than listen, and they need an audience. All you need to do is stay with it maintain eye contact, smile, nod occasionally, say uh huh, "really?", "oh my goodness," "I understand exactly what you mean," and "yes, I see."
2. If youre unsure of yourself, join existing groups where conversation is already in progress.
Until youre confident about what youre doing, dont initiate the conversation. Its too much work, and you dont need to be the center of attention at this point.
3. Before you leave for the gathering, prepare yourself intellectually.
One woman I know whos an excellent conversationalist finds out what she can about the others who will be there, and then does some reading. She really works at it.
For instance, if she knows another guest at the dinner party just moved from Boston, she'll get on the Internet and get herself informed. You can also research other people's professions and hobbies.
Then if you're seated on the cruise next to a woman from Seattle, you can ask her if she's got a Chihuly and sound like a pro.
4. In any social situation, asking about peoples children is a sure winner.
Theres nothing most people would rather talk about than their kids, unless of course theres a problem that you know of.
Not always good for business networking, but at a cocktail party or dinner party, get them started talking about their little darlings (or grand-darlings) and youll never get a word in edgewise, which is what you want when youre a newbie conversationalist.
5. Follow the conversation. Dont butt in, and dont get controversial, even if you dont agree with whats being said.
Generally speaking, avoid controversial topics. Save giving your own opinion, when it differs, until you have your sea legs.
The old rule used to be Dont talk about sex, religion or politics. (Talking about money wasn't even a remote possibility.) Now there isn't much that's off-limits, but until youre a seasoned professional, dont start out with, What do you think about Bushs policy?
6. Write out a list of conversation-starters.
Nice safe topics (weather, current events, family plans, light work topics). Open-ended works best, but isn't essential. People know they're supposed to be talking. Here are a few I would use here in my hometown:
We sure have had a lot of rain for this time of year, havent we?
Did you get to watch the Spurs' Finals?
Have you been down to the River lately? I heard theres a great new Mexican restaurant down there where Paesanos used to be. What happened to Paesanos? (Several threads gives them several options and fills air time.)
Have you got a vacation planned for this summer?
Did you see what theyve done to the old Baptist hospital? (If they have, theyll comment. If they havent, you can inform.)
Mary told me youre a personal life coach. What is it exactly that coaches do?
Where do you know Alan and Sue (the host and hostess) from?
Isnt this house lovely? I like the eclectic / modern / rustic / dcor. I wonder where she got that painting.
What were doing last Labor Day?
7. Write out a list of conversation-closers; that is when its getting sticky or worn out, or you simply want to exit-stage-left.
Its courteous to end with acknowledgement of the other person and the pleasure of the contact, whatever else you say beforehand.
Well, I certainly have enjoyed talking with you. We'll have to get together some time. (This means absolutely nothing. Theyll say Yes lets do and you can leave.)
Extend your hand and say It was a pleasure meeting you. Follow whatever their reply is, generally with smiles, nods, agreement.
Well, I guess Ill go check out the buffet. I heard the Cassata alla Siciliana is delicious. Do you mind? (Doesn't matter what they say ... this is ritual.)
Will you excuse me please?" with a slight nod of the head.
I think Id better go find out what my husband/wife is up to.
I think Ill go see if Mary needs some help in the kitchen.
Time to go powder my nose. Do you know where the ladies room is?
I just saw my old piano teacher over there. I hope you wont mind. I havent seen her in years.
Oh, please excuse me. Ive got to get this ____ off my hands.
8. Learn some of those grand old civilities and fillers.
These are things like:
I hope you wont mind if
Please excuse me
The pleasure is all mine
I must tear myself away now
Im sooo glad
Its just been wonderful seeing you again
What a treat to find YOU here.
"What an honor its been to talk with you."
Giovanni Alifano. Ive heard so much about you! All of it good of course."
. "At last we meet!"
Use peoples names; its perceived as an indication of self-confidence. Smile and nod. Breathe deeply.
If youre at a loss, repeat back what the person said for clarification, but change it enough so they know you were listening, i.e., Did you say you were from Southern California? I missed that the band, you know.
9. Think it through before you walk in. Compose yourself.
You dont want to charge into a room (which youre likely to do if youre nervous) and find yourself where you dont want to be.
Enter slowly if you can, and take it all in. You can pretend to be looking for a place to put your coat, or become fascinated with a painting on the wall.
Take the temperature in the room. Notice the [noise] level of the conversation; how the people are standing; whether theyre uni-sexed or mixed groups; how much touching is going on (Shaking hands? Hugging?) If its business-oriented, notice if its segregated into management v. non-management. Whatever you observe, do the same.
10. Manage your voice and your hands if you're nervous.
Hold a glass of water and take small sips. Dont try to juggle both food and drink. For heavens sake stay sober! If your voice is shaky, dont say much. Occasionally wipe your hands on pocket, pants or napkin if your palms are sweaty. Excuse yourself and go to the restroom and splash cold water on your face.
The next get-together you attend, be mindful about the conversation process. Its really quite predictable. In fact at our family gatherings, we play a game where we write down predictions of phrases that will be said, and whenever one of the guests says one of them, they get a prize. (Things like wasnt the traffic awful? and have you finished your Christmas shopping yet? and oh, he looks so much like you" or "shaken not stirred.")
If you have a bad experience, keep in mind that it takes two to tango. If you should end up with another conversationally-challenged person, heaven help you, but at least youll know it wasnt your fault!
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